Title: Do What You Have to Do
Author: obi’s girl
AOL Instant Messenger: obikenobi gurl
Summary: Obi-Wan realizing after his first kiss with
Padme, that he can’t have her and that her future
isn’t with him.
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Do What You Have to Do is by Sarah
McLachlan’s Mirrorball CD.
I heard you call in the night; I felt your pain. I didn’t want it to be true but it was. He was changing and I was blinded to see it. You saw it but you didn’t say anything. Why? The many times I saw you, there was something wrong. You said nothing was wrong but I knew. I knew. Before, the two of you were so happy – I was jealous. I didn’t want to accept it but I did, mentally. You could never be mine and I hated it.
**
What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
**
The last night you came to me, you broke down all your barriers and cried. All your strength and pelt up anger – you thought it made you weak. You thought if I saw you like that, I would see you as weak. If anyone was weak, Padme, it was me. I saw he changed but I didn’t say anything because I thought it would pass. It didn’t pass. It grew worse and regretfully, you became the outlet of his anger and rage. I didn’t want it to be like this. But I stayed back because all that mattered to me was your happiness.
There’s something I should have told you that night you came to me and cried. But I didn’t; I didn’t have to. You knew. I wiped away your tears, washed away your sorrows and gave you strength. Or maybe you were my strength? I don’t know. I leaned forward, cupped your chin and kissed you, careful not to hurt you anymore. I didn’t want to hurt you but I did.
**
And fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do...
**
I know I shouldn’t have kissed you and taken advantage of you like that...You belonged to Anakin. Belong? No, that’s not right. You’re not a possession, something to show off. But you do belong to him. He made sure of that ten years earlier when he stole your heart as a boy with dreams. I smiled at you; you looked away, staring at the moonlight.
**
...And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
**
You’ll never be mine; I know that but this feeling inside of me isn’t going to disappear. Anakin, he doesn’t deserve you. The way he treats you, it’s a nightmare I want to stop. You don’t deserve to be hurt.
I nodded, looking down, "I’m sorry. It was mistake ---."
You turned to me and sighed, fingering the Japper snippet around your neck, "It wasn’t a mistake Obi-Wan. Anakin, I know he loves me – I’ve always had feelings for you; all my handmaiden’s had crushes on you. But the timing, it was wrong then as it is now."
I frowned, suddenly wishing you hadn’t come back into my life. After Qui-Gon’s death, you were there for me. You allowed me to stay on Naboo, while I sent Anakin to the Temple. You walked with me in the garden and assured me time and again, things would be all right. The hurt was less, replaced by my growing need to be near you.
**
Every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
**
"How different things would have been if I had decided to remain on the ship. I could have sent one of my other handmaidens’ to check out Tatoonie. I didn’t have to go and see things for myself." You mused, biting your lower lip. "In a beautiful fairy tale, the princess is always saved by a noble knight. I grew up believing in fairy tales; I wanted my life to be one." Tears marked your face again.
I wrapped my arms around you, whispering things would be all right, the same way you did 10 years ago in the garden that belonged to us. The smell of your hair, it’s like sweet spring --- I don’t want to let go but I know I have to. You smiled up at me, your tears less, your heart wounded by the pain he caused. The sparkle in your eyes had somehow faded and now, they looked like glass. You had given up hope, hope that maybe he’ll change (though you didn’t voice your concern). I kissed your forehead, willing back the tears that consumed me.
**
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how
to let you go
**
"I better go. It’s getting late – my guard, they’re probably wondering where I am." You reasoned, letting go on my arms. You stared at the door for a moment, unsure if you could step back into the life you chose. Everything used to be so simple, now it wasn’t.
I bowed my head slightly, "Sleep well, Padme."
**
I don't know how
to let you go
**
You turned back to me and sighed again, before walking out the door and away from my arms. I was a fool to let you go but what else could I do? If I fought for you, Anakin would surely hate me and I would hate myself for betraying him. But he had betrayed you. You, his sweet angel bruised by his menacing heart.
**
A glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you
**
I wish I were your knight, Padme. The one to take you away from Anakin’s evil hands. To be the one to hold you and treat you the way you should be treated. I’m shaken with this fear he’ll destroy the only remaining light inside of you, and you’ll be dead. You deserve better than that. I know it’s selfish to say, but you shouldn’t be with him. You should be with me. I would never hurt you. I would treat you like the Queen you are.
I’m delusional. I know that but this is the way I feel. The way, I think I’ve always felt.
**
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
**
I’m weak to do anything. But you’re not. It’s your decision. You can leave him; it doesn’t have to be like this. You can leave him; walk out that door and never look back. You don’t have to be bruised. You have the strength and power to do it. ...And you have me; you’ll always have me.
**
...And I have sense to recognize but I don't know how to let you go Don't know how to let you go Don't know how to let you go I don't know how to let you go
THE END