Title: Angel
Author: obi's girl
Summary: Shortly after Anakin has turned, Amidala
begins to question her legacy, and the choice of
falling in love with the wrong man.
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance/Drama
Disclaimer: You all know the drill. So, do I have to
state what you guys all ready know? I don't think so.
The song "Angel" belongs to Sarah McLachlan's
Mirrorball. It just seemed perfect for this fic. Enjoy
:)
"Angel"
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
**
Amidala stared at herself in the mirror. It was early. Her eyes were baggy and her cheeks were still wet. She had just woken up after three days of sleep and crying. Three days earlier everything was perfect. She and Anakin were happy and in love or were they? She wasn't really sure.
Sometime after they were married, Anakin had a vision concerning his mother, Shmi. He talked to Obi-Wan about it, only he advised that they not act drastically until they met with the Council. Anakin was reluctant to wait, but Amidala assured him it was better to wait. She was with him, both of them. That moment, was the last time, she would see the two Jedi together in the same room....
**
I need some distraction
**
Now, only weeks after, the shock of losing Anakin was starting to burn through Amidala's soul. He was gone. He was really gone. Obi-Wan tried to talk to her, to comfort her, but she refused him. She didn't want to refuse him. She wanted to hold him, she wanted him to hold her. They were both hurting, still feeling the shock.
After a few minutes of staring at her bath room mirror, Amidala held her head high, raising her chin, to look dignified. It didn't work. She braced the sink, crying emphatically. Tears once again filled her baggy eyes and soft cheeks. The pain, it would never go away, no matter how hard she might to try to hide it with make-up and a pretty dress. She couldn't hide anymore, from reality, from her feelings.
Being trained by Captain Panaka, she was trained to mask her feelings, because if she let her feelings take over, it would be a sign of weakness. At this point, she didn't care. She had made a horrible mistake.
**
Oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
**
She never loved Ani. She was never in love with him. What she felt for him, it was only a sisterly love. Not passionate love, that love was reserved for the one she truly loved...Obi-Wan Kenobi.
It took time to realize that fact. She knew, subconsciously, that she loved Obi-Wan, but didn't acknowledge it because of Anakin and fear of losing him, which did happen. Only, Anakin didn't turn because she didn't love him. He turned because his only lifeline, his mother, was killed and there was nothing he could have done to save her. She wished she could have saved him, the same wish and regret Obi-Wan felt.
**
In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
**
She should have let him comfort her, should've listened to what he had to say - just listen. But she didn't. How could she listen? How could she listen to the man she loved and still grieve over Anakin? No, she had to be strong. She was raised to be strong. No matter the situation, she was always dignified. Only now, all that she was taught didn't seem to matter. None of it mattered. She was lost. Her world, all that she used to be and hoped to be later, was gone. She glanced back at the door and sighed.
**
From this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
**
Conscientiously, she wiped the tears away from her face and began to wash. After she dried her face, she exited the fresher, throwing the towel on the bed. The bed. She stared at it for a moment before reaching around her neck. She found the clasp of her necklace and loosened it, tossing it onto the bed. The Japper flew onto the covers, hitting it hard.
**
You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
**
Again, she felt like falling onto the bed and cry, but she didn't. Instead, she walked away from the bed and nodded. Amidala glanced at the chrono. It was still early, despite the amount of time she spent in the fresher crying. She clicked the COM, licking her lips.
Her voice was hoarse at first, but cleared. "Captain, where is Jedi Kenobi?"
"In the Garden, Senator." Captain Typho replied.
**
So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
**
Amidala didn't even acknowledge her thanks as she switched off. She walked over to the balcony, scanning the gardens for the Jedi. She spotted him, sitting near the center water fountain, meditating. Deep meditation. She didn't know what he was meditating about, but he was at peace...a much better state than she was in. She backed away from the window, straightening her garb and hair.
**
It don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
**
Obi-Wan opened his eyes once feeling the presence of the former Queen. Her dress whipped around her ankles as she walked, giving her presence away. He had to admit it was a surprise to see her. She wouldn't even see him because she was grieving, only her more so than him. She grieved physically, while he grieved mentally, searching the Force for answers. Even that didn't help, but the comfort that she was near, did. She smiled weakly at him and for a moment after, wasn't sure what to say.
She felt guilty about avoiding him for the past couple days, seeing that he tried everything possible to comfort her, in truth, trying to comfort himself. He knew she was hurting, but she shunned him away and now, after realizing Anakin's turning made something click inside about her feelings for Obi-Wan, she couldn't abandon him anymore.
**
In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
**
"Amidala..." Obi-Wan began and she nodded her mind back on track.
**
From this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
**
"Obi-Wan, let me go first. There is much I have to talk you about." She sat down beside him, smiling weakly again. "I know you've been grieving. We both have. We should have by right, been there for each other, but we weren't."
He nodded, disagreeing with her. Only, he was probably disagreeing with her because he didn't want to fight. "I respected your choice to grieve on your own, Amidala. I wasn't going to push you to share your feelings."
"Thank you Obi-Wan, that means a lot to me, but there's something else." She paused, staring at his blue eyes. "There's something I should have told you, but didn't because I was afraid. I afraid, mostly of losing Anakin. I have for time, loved you."
**
You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
**
She held her head high, examining the Jedi's response from afar. His face was calm and expressionless, which didn't help at all. His only reaction was stare back at her with his questioning eyes. Amidala looked down at her lap and continued. "I know, I should probably be crying over losing Anakin, throwing tantrums, anything to relieve the pain, but all I do feel, is numb. I don't feel anything, except my feelings for you. What I feel Anakin is empty darkness."
"I know I may sound cold hearted for even saying that, but it's the truth." Amidala began to stand up, but Obi-Wan grasped her arm, pulling her back down. She smiled, feeling a bit uneasy.
Obi-Wan perked up, staring back at her. "Amidala, you're not cold hearted. I'm never known you to be and your feelings don't feel ashamed of them. I feel the same thing. When I try to meditate, all I feel is darkness and emptiness. But as for, untimed love, I don't think now is the right time. I will, however...." he smiled, offering his hand to her, "offer my friendship, if you'll have it."
**
You're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here
**
Amidala hesitantly smiled as she offered him her hand. "Over untimed love, I'll take friendship." At that, she pulled him into a hug, a hug he acknowledged with a smile, but frowned inwardly, as he also felt the same feeling of untimed love.
~El Fin~